" What if your view of how I'm supposed to Father isn’t the same as mine?”




It's officially 8:30 PM. 
 
Another day survived in Mommyhood.
As you sit on the couch listening to the white noise of the baby monitor rumbling across the room, you begin to feel an overwhelming amount of exhaustion, and almost a feeling of resentment.  

Is this how its suppose to feel?

My days all blur together most of the time. How is it even possible I accomplished all i have in one day? Why am I expected to do it all? From morning feedings and clean-up to nap times and blowouts. From sun up to sun down you take care of the kids. Although you are with them, you can't help but to feel that you are alone most days. You feel as if you are doing all of the work [and no body notices]. Let's be honest, whether you work outside the home or work at home, Mom's do the majority, if not all, of the hard work. There is no doubt you love your children to pieces, but you wonder:

Is this how every mom feels? 
This heavy exhaustion?
Is this how every wife feels? 
Bitterness and frustration?
Where is my husband? 
Am I the only one parenting?
Is help on the way?

The resentment weighs heavy on your heart as you wonder:  
How does he not see me struggling or see the exhaustion on my face? Is he really that clueless? I simply can't understand how he doesn't have the same instincts as I do. How the hell does he not hear the kids screaming in the middle of the night? Can he not see we are almost out of diapers? Snacks are running low and we all know that leads to a toddler meltdown! How is it fair that I have to take care of EVERYTHING (in this house) at all times?  

We are Moms all day every day.
There are no breaks or time outs,
no showering or peeing alone,  
no eating fresh food or drinking hot coffee.

You often ask yourself when will you get a break to sneak out for a hot cup of coffee or stop at a friend’s house to visit? When will you get to take a quick detour to that new clothing boutique on the way home or make some spontaneous plans for a girl’s weekend? The only breaks you get as a Mom are when you sleep, or when you get the 5 minutes of an uninterrupted shower before the kids begin knocking on the bathroom door again.
  
Resentment... anger... exhaustion...
All ugly words that I feel a lot of us Moms and wives have felt at one point or another. You feel most days that your efforts are not being matched. You're struggling to stay afloat while keeping the family happy and avoiding the inevitable tantrums. You are planning all of the activities, cooking all the meals, cleaning up the same mess’s day after day, packing lunches and organizing bags. You endure potty training for months on end and endlessly scrubbing the pee smell out of the living room rug. You're constantly loving on the kids, reading to them, coloring, watching them splash in a bubble bath, and coming up with new activities to keep them entertained. Some days you just plop them in front of the TV because you've just had enough. Then rushes in all the mom guilt. You wonder most days how you will keep going as you question where your strength comes from.  Why you are alone doing all of these thing Shouldn't their Dad be here too? How is this even fair?  No one should have to do all this work...

Armed with exhaustion and frustration you aim to let your hubby know that he should be here helping out, so your mental conversation goes something like this:

Hubby, you get a break all day every day.
...A break from us here at home at least...

You get to leave.

You get to have a quiet car ride and stop for that hot coffee on the way to your job site, without kids screaming in the back seat. You enjoy a nice, quiet ride home after a long day’s work with time to unwind and think, without a theme song wracking your brain. You get adult conversations and interaction. You get to turn off the Dad switch for a while and focus on things other than family. You get to invest your time in other things that bring you joy.

I am here to tell you this, sweet Mama…
You are NOT alone.  
Your heart is heard.  
Your feelings are valid.
Your struggles are seen.
Your loneliness is felt.
And Your pain is real.

But…  

Don't unpack and stay there.

Don’t let those feelings consume you.
 
What you need, Mama, is some time. 

You need quiet time and a break, and you absolutely should not feel guilty about needing it. You need time to sit back and feel the real feels and evaluate what's really going on. You must demand this time for yourself. We get very clouded by our exhaustion most days. Baby shark theme songs can drive us to a whole new level of bat shit crazy. Getting almost lost in the repetitive daily routine, we lose track of what day it even is. You forget you are a person as well and not just a Suzy Homemaker. You need some peace and quiet. You need a break and some time out of your home and away from the family, and only you can ask for that.
 So, demand it.

From experience, I have found in those quiet moments apart that I begin to see my husband more clearly. I can see all he is doing too. I can see the weight he is carrying as he is also trying to provide for our family. He doesn’t want to fail our family as he works hard to be successful in his career.  I can see his face is tired as well. I know he is doing his best daily to be a good father and husband.  He is doing what he thinks is best for us.  

Our husbands are not, and will never be, "Mom". They will not be able to be there for every tantrum and mess made by 8am. They probably will continue to sleep through the screams from the baby monitor. They won't always mix the formula right or grab the blankie as they walk out the door. They more than likely will not know why the baby is crying or what kind of rash is on their back. They certainly won’t keep the nap schedule tip top like we do, and they may just feed the toddler cookies for lunch.  

But

They are doing what they know to do as men. They are working. They are providing. They are gone those long days and hard nights. They make the commute, work in the elements, deal with their boss, and skip lunch and breaks while hoping to get home to us sooner. All of this is to clothe us, to feed us, to buy the newest toys or to have the cash for that day trip.  
They literally put the roof over our heads.

My husband once said as we were discussing our parenting "roles",
" What if your view of how I'm supposed to Father isn’t the same as mine?”

That stopped me in my tracks.

Why?

Because as moms we are always wanting people to back off and to stop telling us how to Mother. We know what we are doing and we do a damn good job at it. We don't need the peanut galleries advice. Shut up Susan, for the love of God, your child is 40 now!!!! No help needed here and keep that damn baby book away from me.  
So, what gives us the right to try and change our husbands or make them parent any other way than they know how?

What I think this bitterness towards our husbands stems from is ...  
We are simply trying to put them into a box they will never fit into. Read it again. It's that simple, They won’t fit.
Men, Dads, Husbands... will never have the same roles as us Moms.
They will never have the same instincts. They will never have the same emotions. They probably will never understand why we lose our shit over spilt breastmilk or why we cry after a long day, why a hot cup of coffee is so essential, why the sink full of bottles causes so much anxiety, or why that hot shower alone is so important.  

*Men are not supposed to be the "Mother".
 
They are not supposed to raise the children. They were not created to do what we were born to do. That's our job. WE were created specifically to Mother those children. To sustain and nourish life is our privilege. We are the glue. We are meant to be the glue that holds that roof up that the men provided.  

They father & we mother.
We both have very separate but very important roles to fulfill. Without the other upholding their role the home would simply crumble. We are given these babies and this job because we as Mothers are the best suited for it. Moms were created to do these hard things. You were made to sustain life with your own two hands. You were given a big loving heart and a strong soul. You are the best candidate for the job, Mama. 
 
And the men?
They sustain. They provide. They finance. They protect. They fight. They love fiercely in their own manly way. And they don’t give up. They stand by us during all those sleepless nights, hormonal outbursts and mood swings. They surprise you with that Dunkin coffee, they make breakfast on Sundays and they listen to your rambling on about what brand nipple cream works the best.  

The men ensure that roof is above our heads.

My best advice is to GUIDE your husband.

You need help?
ASK YOUR HUSBAND  
you need a break?
ASK YOUR HUSBAND  
Kids need a bath?
ASK YOUR HUSBAND.
Need some sleep?
ASK YOUR HUSAND  

By asking for the help you need and deserve, I believe you are helping to GUIDE your husband in fatherhood. MEN NEED OUR GUIDANCE. We all know that's true. Men do not have the same natural MOTHERLY INSTINCTS as us and they NEVER WILL!  We need to show them grace. Remind them this is a team effort. Have patience as they are new at this too, just like you once were. We cannot expect them to know we are struggling if we do not tell them. You must Communicate your struggles as a couple. Show him the way and guide him on the path you need him on. Talk about the areas you need help in. Explain a break is not an option it's a necessity. Working together in parenting is essential in raising children. Your children need your joint love and support.

I pray your husband will communicate with you so you can hear his heart and feel his struggles and worries. I pray your words are soft and well thought out. His pain and concerns need to be heard as well. Men are told to be tough and not show emotions and as wives it’s our job to help them soften. Help them feel safe enough to open up to us. You both need to come up with a parenting plan together. A way you two can find a middle ground where you feel a little less of the weight. Parenting is not easy and it takes two to raise a family. No one is supposed to do this alone. It certainly is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Although your husband will more than likely not be a stay-at-home dad after your talk, from experience, I bet he will reflect and want to be better. He will want to make his wife happy and I know he will do anything for his family.  


Guide your husband.
Love your husband.
See his worth.  
He is doing what he KNOWS to do.  
Even if it’s not the way you think it’s "supposed to be".  
He is enough.  



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